John Kerry Makes a Deal

Barry! Barr -er Mr. President, I got Congress out in the parking lot looking at the new SUVs. I'm pushing the missile strikes on the Syrian government hard, but just a few little ones, and then ka-blam we get em with the whole package deal, 800 vehicles plus fuel and maintenance, a little shock, a little awe, a little razzmatazz, and we reel em right in.

Ataboy, John, go get em.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Oh, damn it all.  Barry, it's not my fault. They were on recess and listening to people at town hall meetings. And AIPAC is totally AWOL. And the lousy stinking pacifist Brits voted it down when I never even asked them.  Apparently the entire House of Representatives is going to ride bicycles from now on.

That's all right, John. That's all right. They can't hold out long. You'll get em next time.

It makes no sense, Mr. President. We rolled right over them on Afghanistan and Libya and all the drone strikes and all the bases, and here they go saying No to bombing Syria. And I told them Assad was Hitler. And you told them it was this or support poisoning children. But nothing. What are we missing? What if we throw in free GPS and hands-free telephoning. Plus, that way we can keep a close eye on them while they pay us for the favor. Huh? Huh?

You see, there's the old spirit. Now, listen, what we don't want is for them to go rogue and get desperate and pick up an old wreck from down in the back lot.  You steer them away from that broken down Iranian convertible, OK?

Yes, Sir! John Kerry reporting for duty, Sir!

Oh, cut the shit, John, I've told you 18 times I'm not taping everything like Nixon.

Nixon didn't have the technology to . . .

LET ME BE CLEAR, the problem with the missile strikes on Syria last time wasn't the human cost or the financial cost or any of that crap.  People didn't want to join a war on the side of al Qaeda rebels and terrorists.  We'd told them those were the Enemy for over a decade.  So here's what we're going to do.  We're going to find a war where we can jump in on the side of the government, against the Islamic Extremists.  Congress loves governments.  The media loves governments.  Everybody hates extremists.  And guess where we're going to find this war?

Israel?

Good guess. Try again.

Iraq?

Getting warmer. Try again.

Well, I don't . . .

Try again, that's a direct order.

Ukraine?

Now I'll tell you: Syria.

Syria?

Think about it, John. It's genius, if I do say so myself.  Look, people forget that Syria was our ally a few years back, but Congress remembers.  We just flip back.  We have to, or we're fighting both sides of a war in Iraq and Syria.  The key on Syria is to do something.  Well what counts as doing something?  Blowing shit up, that's what.  And nobody wants us blowing up the government.  Well, we'll blow up the rebels.  Either way, we're destroying U.S. weaponry on the ground, which is much smarter than giving it to local police as a means of creating demand for more.  You think they won't go for it because we're flip-flopping, right?  You're always so damn terrified of flip-flopping.

You don't know. You didn't go through what . . .

Oh hell, they stole the votes in Ohio, John, and you bent over and said "Thank you sir, may I have another?" We're not flip-flopping.  We're blowing up evil, evil people, lots of them.  That's the story.  We've been funding and arming all sides in all of these wars for some time now, payments to the Taliban, weapons to ISIS. You know, the troops on the ground in Libya three years ago could have exchanged parts -- they had the same U.S. guns. 

Mr. President, there are hundreds of Americans who listened to us last year and have gone off and joined the rebels in Syria. 

They can provide information, switch sides, or pay the price, John. Now, are you ready to go out there and make the pitch? I see the leadership on the curb there.

Mr. President, in all good faith, we've sold humanitarians on the need to bomb Assad, not bomb in defense of Assad.

Mr. Secretary, I'm giving you an order.

Mr. President, with all due respect, you keep saying there's no military solution, there's a million other approaches that don't create this sort of SNAFU, that just . . .

Mr. Secretary, Hillary would not hesitate.

I'm on it.